Time to Burst the Bubble B$%#hes!

Soooo… who else is #$%^ tired of staying inside?

Just like everyone else when the pandemic hit, I too thought it was cool at first to pass the time by baking loads of banana bread, consistently feeding my room temperature sourdough starter like it was a damn newborn, and eating cupcakes while wearing a nap dress and learning to knit. 

What can I say? Learning how to do things on the internet X carbs became our new BFF since we couldn’t have the real ones over anyway.

Now, my ass is the size of Alaska!!

Some of us have survived the shitshow that was 2020, summer is finally here, the birds are chirping, people are getting vaxxed, (conspiracy theorists don’t come for me!), we’ve got a little freedom, however, my Hot Girl Body isn’t readdddyyyy!

So to get this whole lotta body ALL the way together, I’ve been working out online with this SEXY personal trainer, (his name is Buck and I think he’s into me but I’ve got a man and we’ve been together for ages even though he’s toxic AF so I’m not sure what to do, but Buck is just So. Damn. HOT!), anyway, I’ve been doing that (and Buck, in my mind at least), plus I just started practicing the Keto lifestyle.

So far it doesn’t seem boring; like I can have these things called ‘Fat Bombs’ which are great cause I’ve got a wicked sweet tooth and those cravings come calling like a booty call at 2 am! They fill me up (the Fat Bombs, NOT the booty calls), and give me energy so I don’t feel as if I’m denying myself anything.

I also get to enjoy juicy steaks, seafood, cheese, low carb veggies, awesome avocados like myself (Yes, I’m an avocado who eats other avocados! Don’t judge me, I was raised weird), and of course coconut oil, which really does make everything better.

My twin sister Avonda thinks that I have ‘issues’ but she never could handle my AMAZING personality. Even though I sprouted first suspended by four toothpicks, she acts like she’s my big sis. She is smart and means well, but I never let her know when I actually take her advice because she’s SO boring and such a Lil Goody Two Shoes. Ughh! I think she’s just jealous of my potential, great style, and soon-to-be fabulous life. 

I don’t think she’s ever even had a boyfriend lol!

Look, no one is virgin-shaming here, but she’s always trying to advise me about my relationship and it’s annoying.

Anyway, I start a new job soon and I can’t wait! I can work from home if I want to but I think I’ll head into the office most days, because ‘ZOOM FATIGUE’. Plus who doesn’t want an excuse to wear real clothes again and look cute for the gram? (Follow me @itsmeadaavocado, you know you want to!)

I’m a writer and I’m going to change the world with my words at VSummit. I’ll be highlighting things like ‘Why Veggies Love Hardcore Carnivores’, ‘How Misogyny Has Made Things Super Messy’, and the still existing ‘Gender Wage-Gap’.

I mean come on!! It’s 2021, why is Tom getting more money than me for doing the same job just because he has a dick?! I mean he can’t even spell without Grammarly!!!

It’ll be so cool to work at a renowned woman-owned and operated company though. Down with the patriarchy!!

Ah, everything’s about to be great, great, great!

It’s just like someone poured coconut oil over my entire life!